It dawned on me at 0500...

This is the reason I became hysterical and put the titler on: "doesn't want a boyfriend." Ever since Amakusa mentioned he wanted to get down to 68 kg (I thought he was saying he weighed 68 kg), I have been obsessing. All week I have been careful about what I eat and I have been walking in the evening for 30-40 minutes. This has led to blisters and crunches and sore muscles, seemingly to avail little. I am still afraid to get on the scale; I don't want to know.

We're at the point in our relationship at which he wants to see RL photos. And he wants to see me in a dress. Easy enough, right? Except I had no dresses that fit; I chucked them because they were too big after I lost weight. I have one ugly skirt I can find (remember the other one I threw in the back of the closet, never to be seen again) and it's about 100 years old. So I decided to go shopping yesterday for a new dress, just a simple one. You know how much I HATE shopping; I was filled with dread.

It went much better than I expected. I went to two stores and tried on three styles of dress. I bought two of the three. All the other hundreds of dresses disgusted me for one reason or another. I am ridiculous. I came home and put the dress on with sandals. I took the time to find my favorite necklace and put that on. Then, I persuaded Drax to take photos, enough to try the patience of a saint. He kept looking at me with an amused smile on his face; that's the pic you want, a sweet testimony to his love for Mom. He would have liked to laugh at the silliness of it all, but kindly checked himself.

I picked a couple of the least horrible pics and emailed them to Amakusa. I was anxious; I desperately wanted chocolate. He texted me only to say he had no internet. I went to bed early, still obsessing, and woke up at 0430. At 0500, while I was trying to persuade the dogs to go out, I realized this is the same thing that happened with Lost. As soon as I saw pics of myself, I started obsessing about my weight and how not pretty I am and how old I look. That was the beginning of the end. And exactly why I didn't want a boyfriend, because suddenly it's all about the way you look and it fills me with self-loathing.

I am happy just sitting at my laptop, writing poetry and blogging. I enjoy taking walks. As I have said many times, I enjoy being by myself or with my children. And, I am not looking for a man. I always have to start acting "normal" when I have a boyfriend. I like to relax and be myself. If only I could stop falling for these sweet, responsible, hard-working men, I could just live my life.

Now, I am waiting for him to make some excuse as to why we should break it off. It will be a good opportunity to write lovesick poetry and eat chocolate.